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How do you solve a problem like Kel?

In The Sound of Music, either Maria or the Reverend Mother or maybe both at different times in the movie say something along the lines of "Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window." Anyone who knows me knows that I don't believe in God, but I'd like to think that even with Him taken out of the equation, this statement is true.  I'd like to think there's not just one path for everyone, and that if mistakes are made, even huge, life-altering mistakes, these mistakes won't damn us for the remainder of our time on earth.  I'd like to think that if I'm making a huge mistake, and jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, there's a good chance I am, the rest of my life won't be ruined.  If--when--the Glenn door slams shut with a fnal, deafening thud, I hope that someday, somewhere, a window will open for me, even if it's one of those jalousied windows with the little slats that would be extremely difficult to squeeze through.

I have to admit that I'm really scared that no window exists.  I'm scared that once Glenn is gone, I'll be alone forever.  It's true that I feel like I'm alone now, that I've felt like I've been alone for almost the entirety of my twelve and a half year marriage, and that's one of the main reasons that I'm ending it, but being alone when there's someone right next to you and being alone when you're the only one there are two different things entirely.  At least with my loneliness now, there are moments, glimmers of time when I feel solidarity with another human being.  Once I'm truly by myself, those moments will be gone.  I'll be left with an empty yellow couch, an empty seat at the end of the dining room table, and an empty spot on the left side of my bed.  When I come into the house, I won't hear guitar playing coming from upstairs, and when I go to the grocery store, I  won't have anybody to kiss in the aisles.  I won't have anybody to scoot closer to in the middle of the night when I have nightmares, and I won't have anybody to tell me that I flap my arms every time I look in my full length mirror.  I won't have anybody to make fun of my taste in movies, and I won't have anybody to go back and forth with over where we order pizza from on Friday nights.  Once I'm truly by myself, what I won't have most of all is anybody to love me.

Unless there's a window.
Please let there be a window.
And, um... if it's not too much to ask, can it maybe be unlocked?


( cry-cry )
( cry-cry )



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