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Kel can't decide

After a really, really long break, I started writing my book again yesterday.  Before summer vacation began, my goal was to finish it by the end of the summer, but I'm thinking that's not going to happen.  It's not that I'm lazy--I mean, of course I'm lazy, but when I get on a writing kick, my laziness dissipates--it's that I don't want to write this damn book anymore.  It's that after having a year to get past and move on from the things that I'm writing about, I'm not overly anxious to revisit them.  It's that now that my life is finally beginning to look like my normal life again (as normal as it will be, anyway; G will never look at me the same again (sometimes I don't blame him, and sometimes I do, but that's another blog entirely)), I don't want to disrupt it in any way.  

The problem is that if I stop writing this book, I'll feel like a quitter and a failure who can't finish what she set out to do. It's also that all the time I've invested--151 pages and several revisions--will feel like a waste.  And, finally, another problem is that the book is really good, and that's not just me being conceited about my work. It's been read by enough people for me to know how good it is--plus, I just know. It has the potential to get published, and that's what I've always wanted, to publish a book--to be an author--to write for a living.  But if I go on with the book, what will be the cost? I already know that I can't publish the book under my real name, and yes, it does matter to me that people know I wrote it.  Personal satisfaction and sense of achievement isn't enough.  I want recognition, too.  But with this book, I can't have that.  

So what now? Write it? Don't write it? Overlook the fact that I lived a potentially bestselling story and just happen to be a writer? 

Why don't I ever know what to do?

Comments

( go-go — cry-cry )
xocoyol
Jul. 17th, 2010 06:05 pm (UTC)
Sorry to interrupt upon your life this way. You don't know me (I honestly just found your journal through the "be adventurous" button. But I do have my two cents.

I want to be a writer too. That's what I want to do for the rest of my life so I know what you mean with recognition. I think that if you write a book to feel so much about it you should publish it (even if it's not under your real name) because, well you'll have the sense of achievement and personal satisfaction, but you'll also have an open door. A publisher that's already worked with you is more willing to work with you again, and that can be the connection you need to start publishing other books, these being some that you can write under your own name.

Just my two cents.
( go-go — cry-cry )

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